Controversial bill S.900066 was narrowly voted down at the senate today with a very slim majority. The vote count finalized at YEAs: 44, NAYs: 50, Not Voting: 6
The Bill, which proposed the nationwide replacement of all beach lifeguards with trained dolphins, had sparked large protests, with many lifeguards buying incredibly lifelike dolphin costumes, wearing them to work and then demonstrating how difficult it was to save a drowning person using only a pair of flippers. These protests were brought to the attention of the world when a passer-by needed to rescue both a small boy and the dolphin-dressed lifeguard who was meant to be saving him.
A national spokesperson for Dolphin Beach Patrol (DBP) spoke passionately about the pros of dolphin lifeguards: “The dolphins really want to do their part. They’ve been helping humans for years, all we’re proposing is putting them in a uniform and making them swim up and down certain areas of the coast. I don’t see what’s so controversial about it, they’d be there anyway and the only cost to the taxpayer is a couple of buckets of fish!”
Meanwhile a spokesperson for the new lifeguard union, ‘The Lifeguards’ Union’, declined to comment, instead choosing to don a dolphin costume, flail his flippers and shout “THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS”.
A list of senators that voted NAY on this bill can be found below, the names of those who voted YEA have not been published, for fear of violent reprisals by members of the Lifeguards’ Union.
NAYs:
- Sen. Allen (WA)
- Sen. Armstrong (AL)
- Sen. Atkins (DE)
- Sen. Baker (GA)
- Sen. Bates (RI)
- Sen. Bradley (MI)
- Sen. Brown (AL)
- Sen. Burton (NM)
- Sen. Carson (VT)
- Sen. Chan (MT)
- Sen. Collins (WI)
- Sen. Cook (KY)
- Sen. Crawley (ME)
- Sen. Cunningham-Woods (CT)
- Sen. Dalton (AZ)
- Sen. Davidson (MI)
- Sen. Day (PA)
- Sen. Dorsey (TX)
- Sen. EchoHawk (OK)
- Sen. Ferguson (OK)
- Sen. Fox (SC)
- Sen. Green (NH)
- Sen. Gross (CO)
- Sen. Hall (AR)
- Sen. Hall-Davies (ME)
- Sen. Harper (ND)
- Sen. Hudson (AZ)
- Sen. Khatri (WY)
- Sen. Koch (CT)
- Sen. Landry (LA)
- Sen. Levy (DE)
- Sen. Lopez (CA)
- Sen. Lowe (HI)
- Sen. Miller (ND)
- Sen. Mills (MO)
- Sen. Morgan (MN)
- Sen. Nash (OR)
- Sen. Parks (FL)
- Sen. Pennington (MA)
- Sen. Potts (KS)
- Sen. Price (NE)
- Sen. Richards (WY)
- Sen. Sharp (IN)
- Sen. Solomon (NH)
- Sen. Stanley (SC)
- Sen. Walker-Francis (VA)
- Sen. Watts (OH)
- Sen. Wilkins (KS)
- Sen. Wood (NV)
- Sen. Young (NE)